Whether your irritable bowel syndrome is acting up or that burrito from Habanero is bad as it looks, we all have a little piece of heaven waiting on the 3rd floor of the HUB. Make no mistake, this is the Rolls-Royce of on-campus bathrooms. Compared to the rest of campus, just walking up to the door of this bathroom is like a different world. Filled with plush seats and places to lounge around, the area outside of the bathroom already feels downright fancy compared to the rest of the campus, like some world Rick Ross dreamt up. The bathroom itself is well lit, well stocked, and always smelling of fresh urinal cakes and hand soap. I take pleasure in the little things.
Let me be frank; if i ever have a sudden intestinal emergency this is my go to bathroom. There is no shame in that statement.
On the first impression, this bathroom sets itself apart from the pack. First of all, the lights work, and as far as I can tell they’re new. There are more than enough sinks, and unlike the rest of campus, the spacing of everything is pretty intelligent. No awkward rubbing shoulders and other crap in this bathroom. An added plus, there are no creepy corners or places for bathroom predators to attack you here.
Pro photography skills, you can’t see me in the mirror.
The bathroom proper is HUGE. Again, intelligent spacing, and more than adequate facilities. With the kind of leg room you’ve got outside and in the stalls, if this place was an airplane, then everyone is riding first class.
There’s only one complaint that I could muster about this bathroom: What the hell is going on with the tile choice? Seriously if you showed me that pattern, I’d think you were trying to decide on some decoration for a convalescent home or…some pseudo-tetris/snake game that you could play with your fellow bathroom-mates. It’s just proof that even paradise has its flaws.
For all you Occupy UCRers, if you’re wondering what useful things your tuition dollars are going to, the cleanliness of this bathroom is at the top of the list. Spotless, the janitorial crew is definitely earning their money on this one. For narcissists like me, being able to see your reflection in the chrome of the urinal is a very nice feature of any bathroom, and believe me, this shit is photo-realistic. It seems like this bathroom is the last place on campus where some form of moral law has survived, the bathroom is clean, so no one cares to take the time out of their day to screw this nice little equilibrium up. No skid marks on the toilets, no evidence of golden showers all over the floor, and no seas of yellow with massive paper leviathins and crap monstrosities clogging the toilets. If a higher power exists, please let this bathroom stay this way.
This bathroom comes with four beautiful, well-equipped sinks featuring the newest in soap dispensing technology and towel dispensers that operate on pure magic, or maybe a hand sensor. The towels never run out, the water stays warm, and the soap is nice and foamy, abolishing any fears of someone finding a way to spit into it. In front of the sinks is a huge mirror, perfect for all the look-at-yourself activities that your day requires.
I didn’t bother to count the amount of urinals and toilets, there’s too many. Estimated caloric burn walking from toilet 1 to toilet n = 1000 calories. And to make the journey to the end of the bathroom all the better, there is the freaking presidential suite stall. I think it’s actually reserved for handicapped people, but in those moments of moral ambiguity that we experience after that grueling midterm (or that Habanero burrito), taking that stall is all right.
So what, you ask, could possibly top this off? How about one of those baby-changing tables with the hilariously cute koala wearing the diaper on it?! Yep. Got it. Right in front of the presidential suite stall. You’re welcome, America.
I won’t even need to waste time on this section. You could assume a proper sumo stance at the urinals if you wanted to and your fear of having someone walk in at that exact moment would be practically zero. This bathroom is, for whatever reason, still a generally unknown gem. There may be a total of 50 people that come through here in a day. Everyone respects each other’s privacy, so let’s just keep it that way.
I can’t promise that your next test will go well, that you will find your dream job, or find a girl at the next party, but I can make you one promise: Should that dreary day come that your stomach is bubbling, gas flying out of your anus like its Chevron, sweat dribbling down your face as you become doubtful that you’ll make it to the bathroom, just take solace in the fact that you don’t have to decide on a bathroom.
If you need a bathroom